I was 30 when I married after an adventurous (sometimes lonely, sometimes challenging, often super fun) decade filled with lots of group housing, jobs, school, more school, cross country moves, being really broke, and numerous (mostly forgettable) boyfriends. Even though at times I yearned for a real relationship I realize now that I took my independence for granted. And after co-habiting for nine years I still find that although I would never change it I do miss having my own space. The handyman went shopping on Thursday for a meal he planned and cooked (which I had been asking for all week) and I found myself mildly irritated by the six plastic grocery bags invading my kitchen since I have been solely using cloth for some time . But that is the thing no one tells you when you co-habitate: you have to compromise, share, accommodate another person in your space all the time. I mean really, he went shopping, planned and cooked a meal! The least I could be is grateful. And, I am grateful. It just brings up certain issues about relationships and space and my type-a personality (which is encouraged by the fact that my job is about telling other people what to do most of the time). The handyman is always reminding me that he is not one of my students and he is perfectly capable of say, shopping for and unloading groceries without any direct instruction.
And, as my work commitments increase I watch the continual erosion of much of my spare time. I feel the strain of neglecting my dogs, my friends, my health (when I am tired I reach for comfort foods, think grilled cheese), reading and all the other things that I do just for me. I even missed my NIA class which is a total lifeline (I took 4X a week up until I delivered) for an entire month. And because of a scheduling conflict I could not take the baby & me yoga class that I so wanted to take that my prenatal yoga teacher offers. So, I wonder what it means now that the Bean is approaching mobility and won’t happily chomp away on a Tupperware lid while I check my cloth diapering forum or listen to some NPR. And I do also feel the constant clicking of the clock as we talk about wanting to add to the family as I am already 38 which does not leave a whole lot of wiggle room. But I haven’t even adjusted yet to three so how can I even bend my mind around a potential fourth!?!
So, I am trying to figure out how to find the balance that makes us all happy and content and feed all our needs, including even my own. Advice gladly accepted.
7 Comments
September 24, 2007 at 2:23 pm
Balance. Ha! Let me know when you figure THAT out because I don’t have enough time to read the bazillion books, articles and other parent fodder out there on the subject.
I am not cynical. ok, I am. I feel like my schedule is one big trough of flotsam that I pick at each day. When I get to the end, I start back at the beginning before the jetsam is added.
This is why I believe mothering is feminism.
September 24, 2007 at 5:15 pm
Getting along is really the hardest part, isn’t it? John “doesn’t appreciate it” that I recently switched El over to cloth diapers and wipes. Well, dude, you know that minimizing our impact is an ethical issue for me so get over it. Ahh, marriage. Good times.
There is no balance here. Just muddling through the day with our heads above water. How’s that for a pretty picture?
September 24, 2007 at 10:26 pm
Okay wait, are you married to my husband??
Ummm… thanks for all the ‘advice’ as well
September 25, 2007 at 4:30 am
Time never seems to stretch as far as it should… I’m back at work four days, and husband has taken over two nights a week of cookery (when he remembers). ~Suddenly, I haven’t got time for my forums, my blog, my reading, anything! I get thirty minutes at 8pm before I flake out completely. At least it means I don’t watch rubbish on the TV half the night.
Balance? Not like before. A new balance, where ‘you’ time is suddenly worth diamonds. And thus, is much more appreciated!
I have one, not three. I am sticking at one. I salute you for managing three and staring the fourth in the eye without blinking!
September 25, 2007 at 4:33 am
… now had I read your intro first I would have realised you meant you, the handyman and the bean make three. And you make a good point. I already have 2 children in the house; the mouse and the husband! x
September 25, 2007 at 7:54 am
Each week we try the cooking schedule but it just seems to erode into “What do you want for dinner?” “I don’t know, what do you want?” “I don’t know…”
I have this fantasy that I am going to get 4 really healthy, balanced meals ready on Sunday that I can just heat up on my busiest nights but so far still in the fantasy stages
September 25, 2007 at 11:48 am
That actually works quite well, except as in your house, we end up looking at each other like a couple of gunslingers, neither prepared to leap into the breach with a menu suggestion.
Electric crock pots are a gift – sling in the meat if you eat it, onions, vegetables, stock and or wine at 7am and by 5.30pm you’ve got dinner, minus some rice or potatoes and a green vegetable. Also, you can make two such casseroles on a Saturday and heat them in the oven during the week.
I cook all my son’s hot lunches and suppers for nursery with organic local ingredients in this way – he goes in with frozen portions which they heat up for him. One casserole goes a heck of a long way for a two year old!