Obviously I’m not feeling much inclined to make any posts these days as I seem to be grappling with my new life and the somewhat insidious boredom of these long winter days. I am working again but mostly at night and online and I realize that I really enjoyed going to my crazy afternoon lecture last semester as it seems the time of day when the Bean is also pretty bored with me and ready for someone new (my mom) to entertain her. I also don’t know what to do about my regular job of which I am on childcare leave. My choices are to go back full-time in the Fall which essentially means a day care schedule of 7:30 to 4:30 or 5:00 each day (a minimum of 9 hours!) for the Bean who will only be 18 mos old. The dilemma comes that I doubt I will have the energy to teach high school full-time and teach part-time at the community college and be a somewhat coherent mom so something will have to go which would be the part-time gig. However, right now I only make $400 less a month teaching part-time (probably 15-20 hours a week total) than I do teaching full-time at the high school (well and minus benefits such as a retirement which I am at age 38 already started to dream of) which speaks volumes to the pay of high school teachers in my state so with full time day care for the bean instead of my mom watching her about 6 hours a week (and the handyman the rest) I will actually be making slightly less money and be more stressed out if I go back to the high school. Seems like a simple choice then, eh? The problem is that I am very, very type-A and I never know when the adjunct gig could dry up which always leaves me a bit worried about finances and slightly on edge plus if I don’t go back in the Fall to the high school I have to give up my tenure and in the back of my mind worry that because I believe in evolution I could be ‘found out’ and blackballed from full-time public teaching in the future (this is not just paranoia, trust me). Plus, the retirement thing. And I miss hanging out with other science nerds (as an adjunct I only interact with students which no matter how interesting they are we are not peers). I liked having lunch and talking about things like the light absorption spectrum or acceleration with the physics teacher or plate tectonics with the earth science teacher (I heart rocks). So, I have a dilemma and the thing I hate about being an adult is having to make my own decisions all the time especially when it seems to be a ’six of one, half dozen of the other’ type of situation. I hate giving up my tenure (did I mention that?) but do I really want to work 3X as hard for less money when the Bean is still so young (and I had extremely good evaluations as a public teacher and was even sent to represent my entire system at a state science curriculum meeting so am I undervaluing myself as a teacher? Probably. Plus, science teachers are almost always needed each year as we have numerous positions so I will probably be able to find something if I resign and re-apply when the Bean starts K). Also, am I romanticizing work because I am sick of sitting inside while it is cold out and looking at the ugly, bare deciduous trees in my yard? If I had gone to Mexico for Christmas like usual would I have received enough UV light to suffice until Spring when I can start using my new Cannon Rebel and taking pictures of flowers and birds and won’t care that I am home alone with a toddler all day long? Why does everything always have to come in shades of grey? Why not one clear path? Maybe I need to sign up for that meditation class I keep eyeing in the yoga studio flyer.
January 19, 2008...10:22 pm
what to do, what to do
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10 Comments
January 20, 2008 at 7:05 pm
Maybe try a lightbox? I bought a small one last year at Costco and it helped. Vitamin D might be a good idea too.
I’m not sure which option I would choose. My initial reaction would be that an extra $400 is not worth the stress and strain, but you raise a good point about losing tenure and politics.
Good luck!
January 21, 2008 at 11:25 am
Oh, Hellion, if it’s any consolation, I second your emotion–being a grownup is hard. Sometimes I fantasize that my most pressing decision is still how many times per night to hit the Central Park drive-thru for 29 cent diet cokes.
January 21, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Oy, that made my head hurt. I think this struggle for balance is an endless saga and any choice you make will be the “right” one for you at the time.
I second Karrie on the light box. If I wasn’t headed to the sauna at the gym every other day I would be having some serious issues at the moment. That god they have day care there.
January 22, 2008 at 9:42 am
Ahh, Central Park and diet cokes. We had fun didn’t we???
I need to check out those lightboxes I think. However, I’ve decided to Scarlet O’Hara this decision since it doesn’t have to be made until May and maybe I’ll be more informed by then and I’ll drive myself completely insane if I keep thinking about it while it is 19 degrees out.
I am still convinced there has to be some really rich person that wants to pay me $40 an hour to hang out and drink coffee with them and organize their mail or something.
January 22, 2008 at 3:33 pm
1. Take the meditation class.
2. Meditate on this very difficult and thorny problem.
3. Decide not to decide until you are sure.
4. Good luck! I can’t believe the normal worries of returning to work mothers are further compounded in your state by the fear of being revealed as a realist and a humanist!! Too much like 1984 to be comfortable – I do not envy you, MamaTried! Most of us only have to worry about whether we have a good K and if we can stay awake during our day jobs, after a nightshift with the kids.
My dear, I truly empathise, and wish there was somrthing practical I could do to assist you.
January 23, 2008 at 11:29 am
Moving back to the southeast after living on the west coast in one of the most progressive cities has been really, really hard for me. I live in a university town but do not work for the university so am isolated from that population (conservative in its own right). Even though I mostly grew up here I am amazed at how the politics of this town works. It often feels like nothing has changed since the 1950s which is why I am cautious about so much which is hard for me in so many ways. It just seems that everyone worships at a handful of conservative churches, votes Republican (they love Huckabee) and has an right wing agenda. Schools are conservative by nature anyway and the culture doesn’t help much here.
Still, I think my folks would die if I moved the Bean away (they are in their late 70s) so I am trying to find a niche that works for me and my family. Thanks for your kind words!! They mean a lot.
January 24, 2008 at 8:21 am
You’re doing your best with a bad situation – Huckabee, really??! He’s so implausible!!
Bless you for thinking of your folks first. Same for me – I don’t think rural England is necessarily my cup of tea – but we’re in the middle of a busy small city and so the effects are somewhat mitigated.
I don’t think anyone in Britain really understands how easy we have it as regards belief. We can believe what we want and largely not get lambasted for it or acted against in any way. Sounds like the Mafia down your way!
January 24, 2008 at 5:07 pm
I feel your pain. I am a mother of a two-year-old with one on the way (due in June). I am madly trying to wrap up a graduate degree, and as a former teacher with every intent on returning to the classroom, am facing the same dilemma about my “next move” come fall 2008.
One correction: this is not about adulthood. This is about mommyhood. I have a supportive, engaged partner (husband) who splits the parenting duties pretty evenly with me. But not once in the last three years has he had to grapple with the kind of heart-wrenching dilemma you describe. I mean, from the time I found out I was first pregnant, I’ve been juggling work/school-related decisions. Perhaps if I was a the bigger breadwinner it would be different. I dunno.
January 26, 2008 at 9:11 pm
With a little meditation, you’ll do the thing that’s right for you. I know you love your part-time gig and being home with the little one, but your dissatisfaction comes through as well. I can tell that you really miss teaching. (The whole discriminating against teachers who are progressive, though? That’s scary.)
January 30, 2008 at 6:45 pm
J Lu, I am the bigger breadwinner, and it’s still my issue to grapple with, to come up with options, to organise childcare etc etc.
If it’s any consolation, there’s a shortage of science teachers here in Australia, so you’d definitely get a job. Of course, there’s a shortage because they don’t get paid much and they get treated like rubbish. So all the science grads do something else.